Memorial Day from a Military Wife

I am not a soldier but I belong to a special group of women who are military wives. We are a group with a high entrance price, it's our spouse. We give them up for trainings, deployments, and even in the ultimate moment of sacrifice.  We are the group who hold down the home front while they're away. We are the group that makes their careers in the military possible. We are their better halves. We are their reason to make it home safe. It's an exclusive group that I've only begun to pay my dues for.

As a civilian Memorial Day never meant a great deal to me. I confess I often go it mixed up with other spring dates. It wasn't anything special until my husband joined the Army. Then the day became something special, something different to me. It became more than a nice spring day to grill out on or a long weekend to relax with. It's different because one day it could be my husband who is being honored on this day. Whether it's in a year or twenty it could be him one day. One day it could be his service that we honor. He could be among the fallen, I hope he never has to make that ultimate sacrifice but I firmly believe he would if it came down to it.

I've been blessed to not go through a deployment yet. However I've faced the separation that accompanies training where the Army took my husband and made him a soldier. Memorial Day makes me grateful for every moment with him that I get to spend. I take every minute I can and greedily hoard them because I know the days are coming where I won't wake up to him beside me. He will be a half a world away fighting to keep our country safe. Memorial Day reminds me that in a moment this life with him could be gone.

Memorial Day to me is something truly special now because when I think of it I think of the families left behind. I think of the wives in this club who have lost their spouses, children  or other family members. I think of the empty seat at so many tables. It is in that moment that I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ which assures me that I will see my loved ones again. It helps me to be a soldier's wife because I know no matter what happens I will see my husband again. We might struggle through a long distance relationship but he will always be my husband.

I will be forever grateful for the sacrifice of the men and women who have come before my husband. I also will be forever grateful for the wives and husbands who have supported their spouses through this life. I'm grateful to the families who this weekend will have an empty seat. I also want them to know that one day that seat will be filled again. It's the most important message of this weekend of honoring the fallen and those who have paid the ultimate price.

Standing United in Faith

I strongly believe in the free expression of religious belief. I'm not offended by the hijab any more than by the cross. I strongly believe that now is the time to stand up for more than just our own beliefs. There's a famous poem that rings true to me:

“First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out– because I was not a communist; Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out– because I was not a socialist; Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out– because I was not a trade unionist; Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out– because I was not a Jew; Then they came for me– and there was no one left to speak out for me.”  (Wikipedia:  “… one of many variations of a poem attributed to Pastor Martin Niemoller (1892–1984) about inactivity of German intellectuals following the Nazi rise to power” . )

I believe this is happening even now. I read a disturbing news story from Canada today. A women went into court wearing her hijab. The judge not only gave her an earful about wearing it in the courtroom she also demanded the women remove it. When the women refused the judge refused to hear her case until she would remove her hijab. Many christians I know think this is a wonderful story and that disturbs me more. This is no different than a judge demanding someone remove the cross on their necklace, a mormon remove their temple garments or a jewish man remove his yarmulke. This woman has a fundamental right to the articles of her faith.

We have to be willing to defend even those we disagree with. We have to be willing to defend all people of faith not just those of our own faith. There is so much that we agree on and believe in. Together we can be a united force for good in the world.  Separated we become like the poem. We are picked off one by one until there are no more voices for religious freedom. I challenge all those who read this to be those voices for religious freedom for all.  

He's Gone But Not where You Think.

My husband is finally coming home from his training. Including his Basic Training we've had 2 days together since April. That is 208 days apart or six months and 26 days  apart. I rarely open up about all of this but now that he's coming home I feel that I can.

No my husband hasn't been deployed to a foreign nation or a war zone yet. He's still been gone. He missed my birthday this year and our anniversary. He missed me almost dying from respiratory failure. He's still gone to me whether it's a war zone or foreign nation.

Often people are sympathetic until they hear he's not "really deployed." This hurts when people say things like that. Being an army wife means my husband and I are both sacrificing for your right to say something silly like that. It's hard to have a spouse gone for any reason.I can barely imagine the burden of a spouse in a war zone. My thoughts and prayers are with those soldiers and their families in part because one day that will be me and my husband.

Not having my husband around has been the hardest trial I've ever faced. He's my true north, my best friend and my eternal companion. When he's gone a part of me is missing, my heart goes with him no matter where he goes. I can't wait to welcome my soldier home but I want people to know gone is gone. It doesn't matter the circumstances. I would also ask people to be grateful for this amazing country we live in because my husband and I are sacrificing for your rights not just our own.

Tomorrow will be incredible. I've missed my husband more than words can express. I've missed him ever second that he's been gone.

Real women vs. clothes

So I should start with the basic disclaimer that I absolutely hate buying clothes. If it is supposed to be a girl trait I completely missed it. I love buying clothes for other people just not for myself. I recently had to face the hard facts that I needed to replace my jeans. I've had all three pairs of my jeans since before I met my husband. Our 4th anniversary is coming up in a few weeks so you can guess how long it's been since I bought jeans.

My mom decided to try and tackle this with me. We went to Kohls first because I had a gift card. None of the stupid jeans fit. We went through misses, petites, and the women's section to no avail. None of the pants came in sizes that fit. I could choose between pants that didn't fit my waist at all or pants that sort of fit my waist but were 3 inches too long. I'm actually short enough to need a "short" pair of jeans. Medium length jeans are always 2-3 inches too long. We tried Dillard's and had even less luck there. We tried one other store that I forget the name of. Finally we tried JC Penny. We had already looked through the misses and the women's sections.

Finally a store associate suggested that I try the Junior's department of all places because they were the only the section with short length jeans. So yes I'm a 24 year old who just bought 3 pairs of pants from the Junior's department at JC Penny. What makes it all the funnier I also bought a hoodie at the same mall. Granted the sleeves are a little short but overall the hoodie fits wonderfully. It's a children's medium. Then I got some summer sleep wear from Dillards. They were a range of mediums and smalls. In trying things on it vacillated wildly where a small was gigantic on me and other times when a medium was so small it wouldn't fit over my head.

We have a huge problem in America with women's body image. Take one look at our clothes and you can see why. Most of these clothes don't seem to be designed to actually be worn by real women. No I'm not the skinniest person you'll ever meet. But before you judge me or my weight consider how I got it. I didn't get it from being lazy for no reason. I got it because I became really sick. I'm a real woman. I have a chest first of all and a super tight fitting shirt will not fit. I have hips and I'm short. I don't have a perfectly flat tummy. Because of all of those things I am a real woman. I want clothes made for a real woman not for some barbie doll who's six inches taller than me.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was June.

So I wanted to take a moment to catch everyone up on how life's going. Since I'm having a "Rachel doesn't leave the house" day now seemed as good a time as any. June was one of the most haywire months I've ever lived through. There were highs and there were lows. I want to start with the highs. The best part of this month was that I got to see Alex! Alex graduated from Basic Combat Training for the United States Army on June 26th. We had a great two days with him. He was given an on base leave for Family Day on June 25th. I'm going to be doing a full blog on all the details from Family Day and Graduation. We also had a ton of birthdays this month. Alex's, Clayton's, Mom"s (Karen) and mine were all this past month. There was also Father's day. We also enjoyed those small family moments of craziness that I might not remember later but are like tiny threads weaving themselves into an eternal tapestry. In personal accomplishments I finished a painting. While it might only be a paint by number you would never guess that by looking at it. It took months to finish this painting and I'm truly proud of myself. Also my great friend Claire married a wonderful man named Mack Bowen. I couldn't be happier for the two of them. They both deserve all the happiness in the world and that comes from marriage.

Now for the bad news. This was the month of serious illnesses in our family. On Alex's side his Uncle Keith had his kidneys shut down causing him to be hospitalized. Also Alex's grandmother Inga Bambas had a stroke at the end of the month. She's currently in a nursing home for rehabilitation. My grandmother had to have further dental work and is preparing to have knee surgery soon. My brother hurt his back while at work. Then there was me. At the beginning of month I had this terrible cough I couldn't get rid of. Despite going to the closest hospital twice during May they didn't treat it seriously at all. Finally we went to my hospital of choice Centennial. I was treated for my respiratory distress and an infection. Things only got worse from there. On my birthday June 12th I had an anaphylactic reaction to an apple dumpling. This forced me to go the hospital. I was admitted and kept over night. I got back to stable by the next morning. Then dietary made a deadly mistake. They sent me a fruit cocktail cup in my breakfast that had apple juice in it. Apparently my sensitivity to apples has only increased. I had to have more medicine and a noninvasive ventilator used to aid my breathing. I became stable again when a person was sent up from dietary to discuss more safe food who was coated in perfume. The nurses had to pull the noninvasive ventilator back out. By that afternoon I was stable enough to be sent home.

Turns out that decision was premature. My Mom and I stopped at a Jack in the Box to get some food after leaving the hospital. Someone walked in smelling like they had dumped a whole bottle of cologne on themselves. I made it to the Walgreens next door trying every trick in the book to prevent a collapse. I was unsuccessful. I collapsed in front of a register in Walgreens.  I was taken back to the ER in respiratory distress with severe low blood pressure via ambulance. My respiratory distress declined rapidly into acute respiratory failure. Basically my body stopped being able to breathe on its own. My blood pressure also continued to plummet. In case you're wondering why that matters I can explain. If your blood pressure drops too low it means blood is not flowing to vital organs. The combination of low blood pressure and respiratory failure put me in the most dangerous position I've ever been in. I was intubated and placed on a mechanical ventilator for 48 hours. Basically a plastic tube was placed into my throat through my mouth and I was hooked up to a machine that would breathe for me. A ventilator is used when a patient is unable to breathe on their own. Unfortunately I contracted a staph infection in my lungs and I aspirated on the machine. This led to aspiration pneumonia.

While I no longer have pneumonia I am currently fighting some form of respiratory infection. I have an appointment with a lung specialist coming up. Alex has also shipped off to his next training. He will be doing job training till November in Arizona. Needless to say June was truly the best of times and the worst of times. Hopefully July works out a little better!

Only Human

So for as often as I deal with the medical community there is something I find I forget frequently about them. They are only human. It's easy to forget that the doctor, nurse or tech you're dealing with is only human. We expect something bordering on the divine out of them and when they fall short it's a shock. Recently I was so angry I couldn't see straight with several medical professionals. One was a nurse who had written that I was legally blind on official paperwork for the Army. This woman had managed to make an embarrassing and significant mistake. She even owned up to the mistake. I can't say I initially cut her any slack. It's still a pretty outrageous mistake to make. You should know whether or not your patient of 5 years is blind. All that aside in my anger I forgot something really vital, she's only human. She's a fallible human being who sees countless patients in a day let alone a week. It wasn't the first time someone had assumed I was blind because of Riddick so why did it make me so mad? It's because she's a nurse and I expect more out of her. When I worked with her to fix the glaring errors in the paperwork I realized she was just an overwhelmed person who was trying. That's as much as I can ask from anyone. Although I still might invest in a shirt that says, "I'm not blind. Hearing dogs outnumber guide dogs 3 to 1. Do your research."

Another incident recently that left a bitter taste in my mouth came in the form of a bill. I was billed by a pulmonologist I saw last month. The man spent a grand total of 5 minutes with me. In those five minutes he listened to me cough and read my chart. Then he said how sorry he was but that there was nothing he could do to treat me. He didn't even know of anything else anyone else could do to help me. It angered me then to receive a bill. I'm still a little ticked he charged me when he didn't do anything. However one of my other doctor's gave me a different perspective on the situation. He said that any doctor willing to admit when he is utterly beyond his realm of expertise is if nothing else an honest doctor. I guess when I think about it the bill isn't the real reason I'm angry. I'm angry not at the particular doctor but at the overall situation. I'm tired of being given up on at the get go. I'm tired of hearing that there is nothing that can be done for me. I'm tired of being labeled a medical lost cause. So instead of confronting that I did the easy thing and I got mad. I got mad at this man for admitting something few doctors will, he was only human. In the end I will probably always hold a certain level of mistrust for the medical community. They've earned my mistrust and as much as those rare doctors have earned my trust. I just hope that next time before I get angry I remember, they're only human.

Best Husband Ever

So for anyone who didn't know my husband is currently attending Basic Combat Training at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri. My only form of communication with him are the letters we send each other. He gets rare calls home as well. I've also been very sick recently. It would seem my medication has simply not been keeping up with the season. This means that in the past few weeks I've epipened and been in the ER twice. Add in the general sadness of missing my spouse and you can see how it would be a rough time.

Well yesterday after a particularly rough day something wonderful arrived on my doorstep. I got an order of purple, red, and yellow tulips in a bright pink vase from pro flowers. I was completely stumped to see them. I had definitely not ordered flowers for myself. I couldn't think of anyone else who could have sent them to me. I naturally discounted my husband since he's at training.

Turns out I shouldn't dismiss my hubby so easily. He had somehow ordered the flowers. When I opened the card it was from him. It was a very sweet message that I don't mind sharing:

      I hope these flowers brighten your day and that you will think of me each time you see them. Visions of         you in my mind are what get me through all of the testing I'm going through. I love you more than you  
      know!!
     All my love
     Alex

So I basically have the most thoughtful husband on the planet! This guy is going through combat training and somehow manages to order flowers for me. They were especially thoughtful with how sick I've been. Some day I'll make him tell me how he pulled it off but for now I'll just enjoy the mystery.

p.s. I am NOT allergic to tulips in case anyone was concerned.