I've been asked a lot lately what it feels like to have a seizure and I thought it was a question worth answering. This isn't intended to scare everyone in my life. Writing about things like this helps me get it out. I've also found it helps the people around me to better understand how to help me. This is how it feels for me, every seizure is different for the people that experience them. With that said here's the answer to the question.
I never remember the last few minutes leading up to a seizure. I've been told I tend to be confused and sometimes confrontational. I stare blankly and blink a lot as well. If it's a seizure that occurs with warning signs it follows a certain pattern. I always have a severe pain in the back of my head, I feel incredibly dizzy, and my vision begins to blur. Then the last sensation before a seizure is feeling like I'm falling. If you've ever seen October baby the main character has a seizure in the first few minutes of the movie. That's really how it feels for me too. The sensation of falling is almost always the last thing I remember.
What happens during a seizure is something I can only explain from someone else's point of view. I'm not conscious during my seizures. I also never remember them afterwards. I wake up confused and exhausted. I'm told that my face seizes and my upper body convulses. If I'm standing I fall. If I'm sitting I collapse into things. For example I face planted into my in law's kitchen table while rolling tokens, got a goofy looking red line on my forehead from it. Also according to my husband I struggle to breathe and frequently he has to force my mouth open to be completely sure I continue breathing. After 30 seconds to a full minute I stop convulsing. Often enough I wake up on my own but sometimes it takes someone else waking me up. The minutes after a seizure I'm awake but no one is home as it were. I usually fall asleep from exhaustion after a seizure.
I'm undergoing testing right now to determine the cause of the seizures and how best to treat them. Hopefully this post helps everyone to better understand a very important part of my life.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
While I'm waiting
As everyone knows I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. A fundamental belief of my church is that God has called prophets in these last days. Recently I was able to enjoy a special event that occurs every six months in my church. We have what we call "General Conference." This is the first weekend in October and April. From the 6th to the 7th of October I was blessed to watch the Prophet and President of my Church address the Church as well as the entire world. We also hear from our Apostles and other General Authorities within our Church. It is always an incredible spiritual experience. I'm prepping a post later specifically about this event.
One of the greatest blessings to me is to be able to watch this event in ASL. There is something about seeing the Gospel presented in ASL that brings it to life in a way captions never can. One of the statements that really stood out to me was in a story that was recounted. I'm paraphrasing but it was the prayer of a sister to the Lord saying, " Heavenly Father help me to know how to best fill my time."
With the onset of epilepsy it really felt like my life was completely derailed. What I had planned to be doing was no longer an option on the table. Suddenly every plan I'd made, every goal I'd set, and every expectation I had were changed. The statement of "help me to know how best to fill my time" has taken up a lot of space in my mind since I heard it. It reflects the attitude I'm trying to adopt. One of ok apparently my plan was not what I needed to be doing or where you wanted me to be so please show me what I should be doing and where I am needed.
I always feel music reflects much of our perspectives and attitudes on life. A song I heard recently captures how I'm trying to feel right now. It's called "while I'm waiting" by John Waller. The song is about serving the Lord while waiting. Since I'm still waiting for life to "get back on the tracks" as it were I'm trying to find ways to serve the Lord until then. Although my attitude is far from prefect and it's still a struggle to be positive it's a struggle worth making.
If anyone has suggestions please let me know! I think between myself and all the amazing people in my life along with my loving Heavenly Father we can find ways to fill my time!
One of the greatest blessings to me is to be able to watch this event in ASL. There is something about seeing the Gospel presented in ASL that brings it to life in a way captions never can. One of the statements that really stood out to me was in a story that was recounted. I'm paraphrasing but it was the prayer of a sister to the Lord saying, " Heavenly Father help me to know how to best fill my time."
With the onset of epilepsy it really felt like my life was completely derailed. What I had planned to be doing was no longer an option on the table. Suddenly every plan I'd made, every goal I'd set, and every expectation I had were changed. The statement of "help me to know how best to fill my time" has taken up a lot of space in my mind since I heard it. It reflects the attitude I'm trying to adopt. One of ok apparently my plan was not what I needed to be doing or where you wanted me to be so please show me what I should be doing and where I am needed.
I always feel music reflects much of our perspectives and attitudes on life. A song I heard recently captures how I'm trying to feel right now. It's called "while I'm waiting" by John Waller. The song is about serving the Lord while waiting. Since I'm still waiting for life to "get back on the tracks" as it were I'm trying to find ways to serve the Lord until then. Although my attitude is far from prefect and it's still a struggle to be positive it's a struggle worth making.
If anyone has suggestions please let me know! I think between myself and all the amazing people in my life along with my loving Heavenly Father we can find ways to fill my time!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Two kinds of people
This post is a reflection on recent life. It's not meant to be preachy to anyone, it's just my take on things. I recently read an important quote that stuck. It was: There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that say "Thy will be done" and those that say "Well fine have it your way." I've always been the second kind of person. I've dragged my feet and always managed to get to the end of my rope well before I'm willing to listen.
I think a lot of our perspectives on life are wrapped up in those two answers. The first is a willingness to listen, to understand that there really is a plan even when we can't see it. It's belief in the idea that it is always darkest before dawn. The second is pure stubbornness, it is an I know best attitude. Frequently the second response leads people into situations they don't want to be in before they're willing to accept help.
I've always believed that God gives us choices in life, forks in the road. Often we don't see them until we're well down the path, having chosen without ever really noticing it. I also think he tries his best to give us gentle nudges before he uses a boot in the backside. I got another gentle nudge this week. After beginning to have full blown seizures and watching what that was doing to my life I got mad. I was mad at God and everything and everyone else. I was mad that things weren't working out the way I had planned. I was so mad I was willing to ignore the things I know are true. Then my amazing sisters sat down to watch a movie with me. We were narrowing down the choices between a familiar and hilarious movie and a movie I hadn't seen before. I picked the second movie, somewhat interested.
The entire movie was a gentle nudge, because it was about a guy who got to the end of his rope. He got to where his life was going up in flames before he realized that the God he was certain didn't care about him or his problems was very interested in both. I say another because two good friends also gave me nudges. One reminded me that it wasn't God's fault that I was having seizures. It wasn't his decision for that to happen. The other gave me a very insightful answer to a question I asked, an answer that I needed to hear. As always when I feel lost my wonderful husband gives me nudges too. I've found so far in life that when I get a gentle nudge and I actually listen to it a course correction is always involved. I've also found that when I'm on the right path even if it's not the one I wanted or picked there's a peace there. It's certainty of, ok I don't know where this road leads but I'm trusting You to be with me wherever it goes.
I'm not a perfect person and I'm certainly not the best example of my faith. I'd like to think though that it may take an eternity to change me but one day I want to be the kind of person that can say "Ok, Thy will be done" instead of "have it your way."
I think a lot of our perspectives on life are wrapped up in those two answers. The first is a willingness to listen, to understand that there really is a plan even when we can't see it. It's belief in the idea that it is always darkest before dawn. The second is pure stubbornness, it is an I know best attitude. Frequently the second response leads people into situations they don't want to be in before they're willing to accept help.
I've always believed that God gives us choices in life, forks in the road. Often we don't see them until we're well down the path, having chosen without ever really noticing it. I also think he tries his best to give us gentle nudges before he uses a boot in the backside. I got another gentle nudge this week. After beginning to have full blown seizures and watching what that was doing to my life I got mad. I was mad at God and everything and everyone else. I was mad that things weren't working out the way I had planned. I was so mad I was willing to ignore the things I know are true. Then my amazing sisters sat down to watch a movie with me. We were narrowing down the choices between a familiar and hilarious movie and a movie I hadn't seen before. I picked the second movie, somewhat interested.
The entire movie was a gentle nudge, because it was about a guy who got to the end of his rope. He got to where his life was going up in flames before he realized that the God he was certain didn't care about him or his problems was very interested in both. I say another because two good friends also gave me nudges. One reminded me that it wasn't God's fault that I was having seizures. It wasn't his decision for that to happen. The other gave me a very insightful answer to a question I asked, an answer that I needed to hear. As always when I feel lost my wonderful husband gives me nudges too. I've found so far in life that when I get a gentle nudge and I actually listen to it a course correction is always involved. I've also found that when I'm on the right path even if it's not the one I wanted or picked there's a peace there. It's certainty of, ok I don't know where this road leads but I'm trusting You to be with me wherever it goes.
I'm not a perfect person and I'm certainly not the best example of my faith. I'd like to think though that it may take an eternity to change me but one day I want to be the kind of person that can say "Ok, Thy will be done" instead of "have it your way."
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