Close Calls

I had a blog post almost completely written and ready to be posted. The topic was whether or not to epi-pen. In it I freely admitted that I'm not an epi-pen first ask questions at the ER later kind of person. I also freely admitted that I try everything in my bag of tricks before I concede to use an epi-pen. Tonight I got a  reality check about the dangers of that mindset. I had just finished eating dinner with my parents when the reaction started. Out of nowhere I suddenly felt itchy, flushed, and my throat felt like it was constricting. I tried everything in my bag of tricks when I probably should have just used the epi-pen. By the time I used my epi-pen the reaction was very far gone.

If you know me well you know that I've had a number of close calls over the years. I'm more familiar with hospitals and ERs than I'd care to be. Tonight was one of the closest calls I've ever had. I had to have a second epi-pen, a shot of benadryl and a shot of valium just in the ambulance. Inside the ambulance my condition went from bad to worse and it was an intense ride to the hospital. There was apparently a period of time that the EMTs were unable to get a blood pressure on me. I also went into such severe respiratory distress that they used a stethoscope to make sure I was still breathing. We reached the point where they were considering intubation. Thankfully I stabilized! I would be lying if I said I wasn't shaken by the whole thing. It was a stark reminder that the space between when a reaction starts and help arrives is longer than you think. While the space between a reaction starting and things getting out of control is much smaller than you think.

The whole thing was also a reminder of something else. I don't often talk about it but I have a very real fear of dying. I have an honest fear of dying from something like what happened tonight. More often than not I'm able to keep that fear in check with a healthy dose of perspective. The chances of me dying from anaphylaxis are actually pretty low. The fact that trained EMTs were there to make sure I made it through the ordeal also brings more of that perspective I often need to the party. I have to say though that no amount of perspective completely erases the fear from your mind. It does make me think long and hard sometimes. It strengthens my resolve to live my life so that there aren't any regrets on the table. It also reminds me to be grateful that God must think I've got more to do! Hopefully I can go a little longer without a close call from this point on.

Gratitude List

I've found that when I'm having a particularly bad day making a gratitude list tends to help. Since today has been rather frustrating I'm taking the time to change my annoyance to gratitude. Here's my list:

1. I have NOT needed my epi-pen today!
2. I haven't needed ANY benadryl today! (Wooohooo!)
3. Alex has a steady job!
4. I haven't had any seizures today!
5. I have a wonderful and crazy family.
6. I have a dog that loves me.
7. I did the dishes and folded laundry today.
8. I've kept up with ALL of my medication today. (Courtesy of the 'calender' on the counter.)
9. I haven't needed my inhaler today.
10. I have an amazing family of friends.
11. I can still sorta hear very very loud music.
12. Hulu has captions.
13. I can watch the Book of Mormon in ASL.
14. I can watch talks and other gospel related stuff in ASL.
15. I have a wonderful husband.
16. I have a best friend who has seen me through almost a decade of ups and downs (Tay-tay that means you).
17. I have a wonderful Grandpa who always believes in me and makes me smile!
18. I have a wonderful extended family.
19. I can't hear but I can still see!
20. I can still laugh.

Massive Update Part 1

So one of my amazing friends pointed out to me that she really didn't know what was going on in my life when we talked the other day. So in response I give you the Massive Update Part 1. There has been enough going on lately I think it'll be at least a 2 part update. So first things first I am in fact alive! I find this to be a very encouraging thing. Here's a quick bullet point update of some things going on in my life. I promise more details on the list at a later date:

1. New medicine! Yay! Well maybe, I think, yay.
2. New doctor, I found an allergist.
3. Another full blown "mild anaphylactic shock" (that's my sixth since April)
4. I had to use my epipen while shopping. (Definite booo.)
5. We went to Florida for the coolest family reunion ever.
6. I got a courageous award for doing 70% of the modified fun run walk portion before collapsing with a seizure.
7. Spent 20 hours in a car with my spouse and dog over 4 days.
8. Spent an afternoon at the beach with the whole family!!
9. I see my wonderful amazing niece on Tuesdays. ( Best day of the week in my opinion)
10. Alex has a good job finally!!!!
11. Alex is now working 60+ hours a week, every week.
12. Sadly we were released from teaching Primary.
13. I'm starting independent study classes this month!
14. My new doctor might have an answer to the big question: what the heck is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!

More to come in my next update! Love you all.

Gratitude list

So I'm sure everyone knows that I've been going through a rough patch. Often times it feels like there are more trials than I have patience or strength. However if I've learned anything it is that focusing on the great parts of my life help drown out the problems. So in the spirit of focusing on the silver linings in my clouds here's a list of things I'm grateful for (pictures included):

1. An amazing husband

2. A wonderful family

3. A great best friend/big bro

4. A fantastic furry snuggle buddy

5. An amazing ward family

6. Medicine! (At least the ones I'm NOT allergic to)

7. Incredible friends

8. A loving Heavenly Father who has a plan bigger and better for me than anything I could ever dream up

9. Food that I can eat!!

10. Movies, magazines, books, and anything else that keeps me distracted!

The Face of Discrimination

While my thoughts and prayers go out to those suffering in Boston I want to discuss another topic today. I want to talk about discrimination a little. While reading news articles I ran across a story I want to try and summarize it for you. Essentially a lesbian couple wanted to stay at a bed and breakfast but the owner said no because of her religious beliefs. The two women decided to sue and they won because of Hawaii's very broad discrimination laws.

It's an interesting case to me for a variety of reasons. One is that I can understand the reluctance of the owner of the bed and breakfast. I can understand how her religious views could influence her business decisions. I also can understand to a degree how the lesbian couple felt. I've been refused service because of my service animal. I've been refused a hotel room actually. I've been told to leave stores or harassed by store managers until I did leave.

The catch is though that the couple in question is making a choice. I didn't choose to loose my hearing. I did choose to get a service animal to help deal with it. However engaging in a lifestyle like homosexuality is a definitive choice. Oddly enough you would think I would agree with the lesbian couple but I don't. I agree with the business owner. I think the best way to solve problems of discrimination isn't always through the legal system. I don't think it's right to trample someone else's rights just to have my own recognized.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't like discrimination and I don't think it's right. However I don't think the government should come in and tell businesses what to do like this. The best way to fix situations like this are to vote with your wallet. If you want a case where it works I have a long list. A great example is Netflix who refused to provide captioning for their online content. They went to court and they won but their refusal cost them a  great deal. Netflix has lost huge contracts and countless numbers of subscribers in part because of their decision. It wasn't the courts that changed things it was people voting with their wallets.

If someone tells me that I can't stay in their hotel because of my service animal or that I shouldn't apply for a job because I'm Deaf it's on them. It's their problem of being bigoted idiots. However much I might despise their bigotry they've still got a right to it. Laws and courts won't change discrimination in our country, we will. We will change it when we vote with our wallets and decide for ourselves how we want to deal with it. When we decide how we want to treat other people. Well that's my two cents about it anyway.

I think I like how I look..well maybe..sorta.. kinda... like how I look

Like many of the best things in my life this was inspired by my sisters. My incredible sister Taylor wrote a very interesting blog about body image. If you're reading my blog, please read hers too! Here's is much better than mine. Here's the link for hers :http://bythevoiceofthispeople.blogspot.com/2013/04/but-but-i-think-i-think-im-beautiful.html. Ok shameless plugging aside, she got me thinking with her blog.

Body image is such a complicated topic but here's my two cents about it. I'm going to be brutally honest in this blog so be prepared. While my sister confessed that she's quite happy with how she looks my confession looks a little different.

Confession: I actually don't like how I look.

I'm short which I hate (seriously even Faith is taller than me!), I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds and inches, and I'm really just not a fan of me. I can list more things I don't like but I'll save us both the time. I've never really liked how I look. That's probably why I married Alex who is my biggest cheerleader. I don't have to like how I look because he does! I never spend more than five or ten minutes on my appearance. There's a great reason for that. Most people are way more distracted by the dog or by my moving hands or the giant hearing aids in my ears or how I sound funny when I talk sometimes. If you don't believe me here's a great story that proves my point.

One day at Disney I was off work and had taken some time with my looks. I thought I looked great. I went out shopping at D23. The woman behind the counter  couldn't figure out how my hearing aid charms were connected to me. She thought I had pierced the inside of my ear and couldn't get over how painful she thought that would be. So she asked me why I had pierced my ear like that. Much to her embarrassment I pulled my hearing aid from behind my ear. I've never seen anyone blush that red. She completely missed me because she only saw my aids.

Add the dog in and well you can guess how it goes. I've found it's very hard to find motivation to be enthusiastic about an appearance that most people never notice. I don't think I'm alone in it. Think about it. We spend so much time on the unimportant distractions about a person that we often completely miss them.

 So my question to you is how do we change that?

Life with a service dog Part 1

This is my first post of a few I have in mind about life with a service dog. If you know me you know, have heard of or seen Riddick my service dog. If you don't know me then let me introduce him. Riddick is an approximately 16 months old  black and white border collie lab mix rescue dog who rescued me. I get a lot of questions and I mean a lot of questions about what he does and why. So I wanted to take the time to address those questions.

First what does Riddick really do? Riddick is both a hearing dog and a seizure alert dog. That means he pulls double duty every day. His job is to alert me to things I can't hear, which is pretty much everything. He lets me know everything from a person wants my attention to car horns to beeping microwaves. He also is my seizure alert dog. He can sense a seizure up to 5 minutes before it happens. During a seizure he lays on my legs and I hold on to him.

He's even gone so far as to place his paws on either side of my head to prevent me from hitting my head during a seizure. He then proceeds to lick my face and nuzzle me till I wake up. He's also been trained to bark to alert others if I'm having a seizure.  One of the most amazing things about Riddick is that he never really goes "off duty" at least not completely. He doesn't need a vest to know I need his help. My husband has seen him jump from tugging rope with him to rushing to my side during a seizure.

The next question I always get is why? Why have a service dog? Riddick helps me safely navigate the world. He makes being out and about much less stressful and much more safe. He's also a huge help at home. Something most people don't know is that home can be the hardest place to navigate.  He's my furry best friend and a life saver. While there are times its not possible to bring him with me, like being in a car with someone whose allergic or bringing him in someone's home that's allergic happen I do try my best to always keep him with me.  We're still growing and learning together but this is a partnership that will last a lifetime. To conclude Part 1 I want to share a photo I found that is both hilarious and very true to life.